Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Between You and God

A lot of patrons come in and we wind up talking about religion. Many of these folks are very conflicted because they have been told by some well-meaning loved one only interested in their eternal salvation that their sexual orientation (or their tattoo, or the way they wear their hair) offends God, and that they should change their evil ways. Lovely.

Let this thought liberate your mind: it is not any person in the world's place to tell you what God thinks about what you do.

You may not even believe in God. That's between you and God. So is everything else you do. Whether you're a dyed-in-the-wool holy roller who grew up in church every time the doors opened, or you follow a very offbeat spirituality, or you just don't much think about it, your ideas about religion have very likely been formed by other people. Preachers, teachers, parents, television, friends, whatever... all these well-meaning people have the idea that they have a lock on what the Almighty thinks, 'coz they've read highlights of a 4,000 year-old book (edited and translated from the original, of course). To me, that's the most presumptuous thing a mere human being can do.

No matter what your religious persuasion, God, as you conceive him/her/it to be is likely the all-powerful, all-knowing creator of the universe and everything in it. Our feeble minds simply can't absorb that kind of infinity, much less explain it, and even less speak on its behalf.

Do what's right in your heart. Be who you are. Follow the Golden Rule, and you're probably okay. I don't know (I don't speak for God), but that seems like a good idea. I mean, he might fry your happy ass in boiling beezlenut oil for all eternity 'coz you like somebody with plumbing the same as yours.... but it seems unlikely.

Happy Tuesday! See ya tonight at the Lip.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

What's Up With All This Drama?

Okay, look. This is not drama. We don't engage in drama. What do you think this is, a lesbian bar?

No, seriously: Julie told Allison that Sarah was makin' out with some girl from Atlanta the other night at the Lip, which is so not true, 'coz I was the one was makin' out with Sarah the other night, and I haven't ever even been to Atlanta. I mean it was no big deal, 'coz we were both drunk and ever since that one time we hooked up and she was all like, freaked out 'coz she was thinking about her ex back in Murfreesboro, I decided I was over it. But anyways, there we were, you know, all hugged up in the back booth, 'coz it was Thursday and packed up in that trailer, and I don't really know what happened, but all of a sudden, Sarah's like rubbin' my leg and kissing me and what not, so I just decided to go with it.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I am still way way off in love with Melissa and everything, but she was in Knoxville with Joey and Cliff and all their friends from the Y, and every time she gets around those gay boys she winds up flashing people her tits, and that just pisses me right the hell off, so even though she didn't really do anything to me per se, I was mad at her and just decided to kinda let things happen with Sarah and see where it went. We're having some problems right now, is all I'm sayin', 'coz we've been together going on two months and since she moved in she's been acting really weird, and we're not so much having sex. I think she may be cheating on me, and that's why Shane is gonna give me a full report on whatever the hell she did while she was in Knoxville, which I am sure will include flashing some total stranger her tits.

Well that's where Julie came back from the bar, and she was like all "Let's go to the Cab," and I was like, "Hell no," 'coz I was having a good time, you know? Besides, I was not about goin' anywhere with Julie, 'coz bitch is crazy. So anyways, she gets all pissy 'coz her car's in the shop, and she and Caitlin are riding with Kenny and Michael, and they don't wanna go either, 'coz Michael used to date that one drag queen over there, you know, the one with the big nose. I mean, he's a pretty girl, but he does have a big nose.

Anyhow, so Julie like fakes this headache and says she wants to go home, and Caitlin is dancing with this kinda butch chick -- I think her name is Maria, or Marie, or Maureen or Mara or Margie or something like that, she's the one that used to date Christina back before Christina decided she was really more into guys and turned like bisexual, or something. Yeah right.

Anyways, right there on the stage while they're dancin', she starts like totally feeling Caitlin up, and Julie sees it and she just fuckin' goes ballistic and starts yelling at her and tellin' her she's gonna kick her ass. I told you, bitch is crazy. Caitlin's trying to calm her down and that's when Marie or whatever her name is, the big dyke, just throws her hands up in the air and walks away, and says she's over the drama, and I looked up at that moment, and Sarah says, "What the hell?" and she like jumps up and runs to the stage to see what's going on with Caitlin and Julie 'coz you know she's had the hots for Caitlin ever since they were in high school together but since they're best friends and everything she's afraid it will ruin their friendship. And it would, 'coz Sarah is jealous as hell, and Caitlin is too much of a flirt for somebody like that.

So Sarah like rushes up to the stage and she taps Maria or whatever her name is on the shoulder, and she like turns around, and Sarah's all like "Oh my God!" and she just starts huggin' her, 'coz it turns out to be her cousin from down in Savannah or wherever she's from, and she didn't even know she was a lesbian. Meanwhile Julie is crying and throwin' the drama and Caitlin is just holding her on the dance floor, and being really a whole lot nicer than I would have to that crazy bitch, especially if she had just gotten all up in my shit. I swear, everybody hates her. It's not just me. And I don't hate her, I just think the bitch is crazy.

So all this to say that Sarah was so not making out with some Atlanta chick, no matter what you might have heard from Julie. Allison is misinformed, but she doesn't really know what to believe since she's started working nights and doesn't get to go out anymore and things are still really tense between her and Caitlin since they broke up. But it doesn't matter anyway, 'coz she's totally in love with Cheri. See? No drama here, I swear....

*All names, as well as the story, are totally fictitious, 'coz it's just too close to reality.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Not To-Do List

Here is a list of ten things not to do when you're drunk:

1. Don't try to open a beer bottle with your teeth. It's hell on your veneers. Ask Traci.

2. Don't redecorate. Rag-rolling, popcorn ceilings and wooden paneling were all invented by drunks.

3. Don't make your first home-porn film. Particularly if you're not at home.

4. Don't decide honesty is the best policy. You've been lying this long, why be truthful now?

5. Don't play with fire. This is a good idea even when you're not drunk, but when you've slammed back three or four Jager bombs, twirling a flaming baton is really ill-advised.

6. Don't show your tits/willy/whatever to anybody who hasn't seen them already. Unless they're hot and it'll get you laid. In that case, make an exception.

7. Don't think for a moment that if you start telling the joke, the punch line will come to you. It won't, and it will make everyone think you're a sad, drunken lush. Pity is not sexy.

8. Don't have sex with a goat, no matter how bad you want to join the fraternity. Remember: "na-a-a-a-a" means "na-a-a-a-a".

9. Don't call your ex. There are more reasons not to do this than we can go into here.

10. Don't drive. We mean it. We'll be happy to call you a cab, call you a friend, call you a dirty bitch, slap you silly, tie you down, knock your drunk-ass out or anything else it takes to keep you from endangering yourself and others.

So have a good time! Drink up! It's cheap martini night!

Props to Jeremy for coming in last night to celebrate his last day of chemo. He's cancer-free, and we couldn't be happier. We were very pleased he chose to celebrate at the Lip.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

If These Walls Could Talk

Lord, it's a good thing these walls can't talk. 'Coz they would tell some stories.

Remember that time Ronda was dancing on a chair to "Pussy Control?" Crash. Crush. Ouch.

Remember Cinco de Mayo 2005? So many drunks. So little.... um, well.... so many drunks.

Remember those two girls who were a-doin' it in the hallway upstairs? And how Andrea tossed them out without so much as a "thanks and have a nice day"?

Remember the time that obnoxious fat guy drank 127 citrus shooters, passed out on the stage and threw up in a bucket?

Okay, that was my confession. Let's pretend that never happened.

What's your best "remember when" from the lounge? Let me know!

See ya soon!

Monday, February 20, 2006

A Horoscope For Everyone

It is colder than the proverbial mother-fucker outside.

No lie. Bundle up.

But don't let the weather keep you from coming out tonight. It promises to be a blast. It's Ladies' Night, so don't forget your Lipstick. And as for all of you men out there, don't think you can't come out tonight too. We're just doing a little something special for the grrrrls.

It's 5 AM, I haven't been to bed yet (par for the course), and I could sure use a Lipsmack Burger right about now. I guess I'll have to wait until tonight.

Here's my astrological tip of the week that applies to everyone, regardless of your zodiac sign: The sun entered Pisces two days ago, so get your swim-fins out. Generally, the people in your social circle are repulsed by bad breath, so please Lord, and for God's sake, please, grab a Certs. Mercury's going retrograde next week, so send a whole lot of faxes this week. Mars has entered Gemini, so Gemini is filing a restraining order. Steer clear of the drama. Oh, and take off that silly-ass hat. Best chance at a romantic rendez-vous: Stuckey's, Exit 143 off I-40 West, behind the taffy stand. Lucky number: 7, duh. Most compatible sign: "Slippery When Wet."

Instant poll: Heath Ledger or Jake Gyllenhaal? Comment back by clicking below.

There ya go. Hope it was good for you. Peace out. Have a hella good Monday!

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Welcome, Human!

Hi everybody! This is Tom. Welcome to the first post on the Lipstick Lounge blog! You can't be there every night of the week (as much as you want to), so I'm going to blog a little to let you know what you missed. I can't promise posts every day, but I will try to keep you updated as best I can.

It was a fun week. First thing you should know is: Tasha's band OWNS Monday nights now. If you haven't heard Miss Valentine do her thing with a live band, you have missed out. Lipstick's Ladies' Night on Mondays is the new must-see TV (TV stands for "Tasha Valentine," btw). Malibu drinks are just $4, and we have $3 well specials when you show your lipstick tube at the bar, so you girls don't be shy. Get out there and let's see what you got!

We had our first "Martini Wednesday" (hey, a $5 martini, sign me up!) this week, and the girls from the cast of the Vagina Monologues from Vanderbilt University's production of the Eve Ensler show all turned out to have their wrap party. They conquered the front VIP booth and were a party-hearty group of crazy loud dancing fools. I loved that about them, and I hope they'll be back to see us soon.

Hats off to the girls from the Junebugs (calling themselves "Ebony and Ivories") for kicking movie trivia ass the first time they played on Thursday. They only missed one question all night. Joy, Callie and Jenny-- y'all rock. Also, I want to give a shout-out to Erica, Andrea and company for beating up on some music trivia last Tuesday. The "Lipstick Lovelies" won a hard-fought victory with some tough questions! So, make sure YOU come in on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7 PM, and bring some friends with you. Trivia questions run the gamut from simple to "wicked hard." I dish 'em out, if y'all can take it.

It was a karaoke party for our KJ, Jason, the "King of Everything." He turned {NUMBER DELETED UPON THREAT OF DEATH} on Saturday, but we threw down for him Thursday. He looked great, rocking a pimp hat (and I do mean a "pimp" hat, à la Huggy Bear, a purple velvet jobbie with feathers cascading down the back). He sang a number of songs, tearing up "Darling Nikki" by Prince as only he can. Miss Debra Christian hosted, and she's got a new hairdo. She was on FIRE, damn that girl is some kinda good-lookin'.

I got really excited too, because "Sometimes Ronda" came through with plans for my birthday celebration. It'll be karaoke (natch) on April 22, the day I turn... okay... I can believe it, but can you?.... FORTY. We'll also be celebrating the birthday of the still-way-under-30 Destilicious, so get ready to party down. Mark your calendars, and please, someone bring a camera, 'coz I won't remember a damn thing.

Bettye Jo got her card back. She also got her groove back. More on this later.

DJ Shell was spinnin' her magic, and we got a return visit from Angel and Star, the tag-team of hot Nubian beauty that we like to call "Sexual Chocolate." They inspired some serious grinding on the stage. Tongues were hanging out. People were staring. All manner of delightfully sinful fantasies crossed peoples' minds. Okay, I'm speaking for me, but I'm sure others felt it too!

Christa and Jonda got back from their one-day vacation to Tunica. Rumor has it they cleaned up. Jonda is, after all, the fuckin' mop girl, and nobody cleans up like she does!

Karaoke highlights: Crystal, our singing bartender, has added "Good Morning Baltimore" from the Hairspray score to her repertoire, and it was MEANT for her. She nails it every time, and it's perfect for her voice. She definitely has the new crowd-pleasing showtune. Rue (or is it "Roo?") came out and shared her gifts with us, and that was a treat. That girl can belt out a tune like nobody's business. The way-too-cute duo of Matt and Greg turned out a little N'Sync. I didn't so much expect that! As for me, my voice was shot (damn allergies), so I stuck to fun stuff like "Da Butt." And we all know how much y'all like da butt (don't lie).

I made some new friends: Peter and Taylor (back home from Miami)... Roger (Jamie's "brother," not too sure about that one)... Andrea in the cool hat (who's just discovering the Lipstick after a long residency in East Nashville) and the girls from the Hendersonville Medical Center (thanks for bringing your crowd in, James). We had a lot of fun.

Tonight, it'll be Fowler, Mosher, Tackett & Stamps. Not a law firm, I swear. Girls with guitars. Go give Cathey Stamps some love!

Now, y'all come back next week so I don't have to tell it all! And remember.... if you don't have a good time, it's your own damn fault!

Bye for now!