Sunday, September 24, 2006

Dangerously Imbalanced: A Horoscope for Everyone

So it's that time of the month again, and it's flowing like a bitch.

I'm talking about karmic energy, you knucklehead. Gee, get your mind out of your crotch. Y'all just have one thing on your minds, damn.

Libra Sun is now shining high, bringing with it a sense of balance. And that's what everything is all about right now. For every action there is a reaction. You have to take the bitter with the sweet. Tit for tat. A rolling stone gathers no glass houses. All that shit.

And yes, with the shining, life-giving Sun in Libra, you need to start seeking a little balance in your life. You have certainly been prone to overindulging all summer long, and it's time for you to realize the error of your ways and come down off the high. There is, after all, a reason this season is called "fall."

So if you've been spending way too much time working, play a little. If you've been drinking too much, cut back a bit. If you've been having far too much sex with random strangers and letting them dress you in baby gowns and spanking your ass, you're a kinky, dirty whore.

But that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Libra is known for its irritating tendency to spread indecision and uncertainty, so don't expect to jump ass-off into any new business ventures, relationships or buy any Justin Timberlake albums without a lot of hand-wringing. Everything is negotiation. Every choice deserves a lot of consideration. Or you could just procrastinate and let the inaction of your situation make you catatonic.

The sky is super-boring this month. Venus follows the Sun into Libra on the 30th, which means you will either find the person you really want to marry this month, or the Christian Right will be telling you that you don't deserve to be married because you're a dirty fag. Just in case either is true, take a post-it right now and remind yourself to Vote No on Proposition 1 come November.

Mercury plunges into Scorpio on October 2nd. The planet of talk and communication going into mysterious Scorpio means that this would be a really good day to buy new porn, or have phone sex.

Lucky number: Seven, duh.
Best shot at romance: Standing in line to buy tickets at the Hollywood 27, the 9:40 show of Jackass Number Two on September 30th. Look at the person in front of you... they will have the nicest ass ever.
Best article of sexy clothing for the month: A Nehru jacket.

Oh yeah. And the rumors are true. Don't worry. It will all be all right.

See you at the Lip, babies! Peace!



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