Not To-Do List

Here is a list of ten things not to do when you're drunk:

1. Don't try to open a beer bottle with your teeth. It's hell on your veneers. Ask Traci.

2. Don't redecorate. Rag-rolling, popcorn ceilings and wooden paneling were all invented by drunks.

3. Don't make your first home-porn film. Particularly if you're not at home.

4. Don't decide honesty is the best policy. You've been lying this long, why be truthful now?

5. Don't play with fire. This is a good idea even when you're not drunk, but when you've slammed back three or four Jager bombs, twirling a flaming baton is really ill-advised.

6. Don't show your tits/willy/whatever to anybody who hasn't seen them already. Unless they're hot and it'll get you laid. In that case, make an exception.

7. Don't think for a moment that if you start telling the joke, the punch line will come to you. It won't, and it will make everyone think you're a sad, drunken lush. Pity is not sexy.

8. Don't have sex with a goat, no matter how bad you want to join the fraternity. Remember: "na-a-a-a-a" means "na-a-a-a-a".

9. Don't call your ex. There are more reasons not to do this than we can go into here.

10. Don't drive. We mean it. We'll be happy to call you a cab, call you a friend, call you a dirty bitch, slap you silly, tie you down, knock your drunk-ass out or anything else it takes to keep you from endangering yourself and others.

So have a good time! Drink up! It's cheap martini night!

Props to Jeremy for coming in last night to celebrate his last day of chemo. He's cancer-free, and we couldn't be happier. We were very pleased he chose to celebrate at the Lip.