Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Ram It In: A Horoscope For Everyone

Okay... first let's start by saying that this whole Daylight Savings coming early is really screwing up my world. I mean, we now spend almost 8 months a year in Daylight Savings Time. Isn't that now the standard?

The sun rams into Aries (yeah, pun intended, bitches) as a new astrological year begins with Spring today, March 20th. As an old way ends and a new one begins, Aries brings us hope for the coming year. But with that, comes a hard-headedness that can be trying to put it mildly. Take a lesson from the Rams, and wear a helmet if you're going to insist on banging your head.

The "fresh start" approach is compounded by Pluto going retrograde on March 31st. It is likely that you will become aware of a number of dead-ends in your life, and, if you're not a dizzy bitch, you will plot new courses and rid yourself of influences that are not doing you any good. Like fawning over American Idol. We're kinda done. Come in for karaoke. Retrograde Pluto also brings about large-scale world events, like government upheaval. Or so we hope.

Jupiter goes retrograde on April 5th too, so all that expansive quest to find yourself could come to an end. Let us help:

  • 1. Put your left hand out. (No, this isn't the hokey-pokey.)
  • 2. Bend your elbow to put your left hand to your nose.

    Congratulations! You've found yourself. You were right there all along. Had you been a snake, you'd have bitten yourself. Hell, you might bite yourself anyway as far as we know, you're kinda kinky.

    Oh-- and for those of you planning a lot of shenanigans for April Fools' Day... ain't no fool like an old fool. So aim for Jonda.

    Best chance for romance: April 7th at Pizza Hut, any location-- but you'll need to wear a hair-net and sensible shoes, and maybe it's not worth all that.
    Lucky number: Seven, duh.
    Best spring cleaning method: Flamethrower.

    Have fun during Aries! See you at the LIp!



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