Friday, July 28, 2006

You Did Not Just Hit On My Lover

Let's say you're in the Lipstick Lounge, and you see this real hottie. I mean, the answer to all your dreams. You just know you will regret it forever if you don't try to "hit that."

Said hottie is in the middle of a conversation with another person. For the sake of argument, let's say, a "not-so-hottie." You walk up to the hottie, insert yourself skillfully into their conversation and, pretty soon, by force of your own natural magnetism, the hottie is all about you.

How nice.

Now, let's think about it in these terms. I'd like you, for just a moment, to put yourself in the place of the not-so-hottie. I know that's hard, because you are so damn luscious, but try. Look at the same scenario from their perspective. Imagine these types of inner monologues, never expressed aloud:

"Okay, who is this bitch? Why can't I just have a nice night out with my lovely friend without some meat-market ho coming up and hitting on her?"

Or perhaps:

"Wow... he's hot.... and... yep, of course... he's only interested in my friend. What am I? Chopped liver? Poor little intruder has no idea that although I am not a buff stud like my friend, I am giving, intelligent, witty, hung like a race horse and can suck a golf ball through a garden hose. Oh well, I guess he'll never find out. And now I'm the third wheel on my own damn night out."

Or ever worse:

"What a wonderful night I was having until now. I've been working on getting my friend to warm up to me, and maybe turn it into something more. Tonight I was gonna make my move. And now that's shot to hell because of this interfering horn-dog. Great."

I'm all about survival of the fittest, but how many of us out there would want to be in the not-so-hottie's position? Now, you may be cold enough to say, "Well, fuck them, they should be cute like me." And if you are.... then I'm sad I know you. It's that kind of shallow behavior that wrecks people's confidence, shoots their self-esteem all to hell, and eventually creates drama in tonnage.

If you do feel a little sympathy for the not-so-hottie in our story, then maybe you can adjust your behavior in the future. Here are some tips:

1. If you see someone you like with another person, even if those two are just friends, assume they are a couple, and behave accordingly. Even if one of them is a sex-bomb and the other is a troll. Approach them as a unit. They will make it clear to you whether they are a couple or not.

2. Engage the not-so-hottie friend in conversation. Not only may you find someone else that you like, it will make you look really good to the hottie of your desires. Besides, it's rude to interrupt a social interaction and ruin it for only one of the participants.

As a card-carrying "not-so-hottie," I'd like to tell you all that this has happened to me more times than I care to mention. I have beautiful friends. And we enjoy hanging out. And inevitably some horny, stuck-up prig comes up to them, ignores me completely, and hits mercilessly on my friend. It exasperates me, because I find it so disrespectful. How do you know he's not going home with me? How do you know I'm not seeing her? Not-so-hotties need love (and get love) too.

So stop being such a shallow bitch and let me have fun with my pretty friends. Boys and girls. Next time it happens, I'm just gonna call you on it. Read you like the instructions on a box of cake mix. For real... just don't treat me like I don't exist just because you don't want to get into my pants.

Peace, baby.


Sunday, July 23, 2006

Dull Roar: A Horoscope for Everyone

Well, last night the Sun sashayed into Leo, which means all you prom kings and homecoming queens out there are doubly blessed. Leo is the headliner of the zodiac show, and those born under this sign are natural leaders who will make sure all the rest of us know: it's your world, we're just living in it. The red carpet is out for you, so walk it. Petty royalty never looked so good.

Leo is ruled by the Sun, our very own star, and its radiant heat natually means it will be hotter than hell for the next 30 days. It's July and August, you dizzy bitch, what do you expect? Leo's going to be a crowded constellation toward the end of the zodiac month, as Mercury enters Leo on August 11th with Venus right on its tail just 18 hours later. Thankfully, retrograde Mercury goes direct on July 28th, so there's less than a week of this mad miscommunication left.

Leo is the sign that rules sex and creativity, and on top of it all, warlike Mars entered docile Virgo yesterday. All this to say that there's now a 78.4% chance you're finally gonna get laid this month. Which is good, because all that whining about your needs not being met is beginning to get on my nerves.

Okay, enough. The holidays were very “woo-hoo!” but it’s time to come down off that New Year’s Eve drunk. People are starting to talk. Sometime between the 4th and the 13th, prank-call that old high-school teacher you hated.

Best thing to cut out of your diet altogether: bacon. Oh, yeah, that might happen.
Second best thing: yak’s milk.
Lucky number: seven, duh.
Best chance for romance: at the Piggly Wiggly on Lamar Avenue in Memphis on the 9th, sometime mid-morning. Road trip!

Have a great month, everyone!

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Scene At The Lip

Lord have mercy, it was a packed Thursday night at the Lipstick Lounge last night.

It was great to have a fun-filled Movie Trivia competition. First-timers "Dudley's World" took home the prize in a come-from-behind finish. We also had a great first-time showing from Brooke and Abby, going by the name "B-Fries." To "The Junebugs," "Nads," "What Winks...," and "8th Grade English"-- you guys all rock, and I'm happy that you come out to play week after week.

After trivia, Debra Christian was in the house with her karaoke magic. The rotation got really long really fast, 'coz it was a packed house. But it never ceases to amaze me how much talent we have... I was fortunate enough to sing two duets, one with Tasha Valentine, and one with Sarah Taylor... both these girls are fantastic professional vocalists, and I am so proud just to get to share our little stage with them and play rock-star for a minute. Want to acknowledge my girl Christy Dennis too, who sings her ass off every time she gets up. Travis Stephens also knocked out an amazing song, as did Chad Trout. My heart was also warmed by the cheese-a-riffic song "Never Been To Me" that my dear Jenny sang.

In addition to the singing, it was Michele's birthday, and Nate's too. I sat with Frederick and Tirzah, and we laughed like fools all night long. Tom (the other, magnificently handsome one) was looped and kept revealing interesting things about himself. Wendy, Christa and Jonda kept slinging drinks, and a good time was had by all.

I will remind everyone that we are open five other nights a week besides Thursday... it was PACKED in there, so y'all explore other nights!

Peace to all of you. See ya soon!


Thursday, July 06, 2006

Truth... It Isn't Just For Breakfast Anymore

I'm feeling philosophical. I've been thinking a lot about truth, and the great truths in our lives. Here are some things I have discovered about what people say to others, and what it really means.

1. "You are a beautiful person" or "You're beautiful on the inside" is a disguised insult. You'd only say it to a person who's ugly on the outside.

2. "At least you tried" or "Did you have fun? That's all that counts" means "Yes, your karaoke song sucked ass."

3. "I love you" means absolutely nothing if you say it to someone whom you have spent a grand total of less than an hour with.

4. Anyone who makes a statement about how much they hate drama.... creates drama on a regular basis.

5. Dogging out another person for being a gossip is the most hypocritical thing you can say.

6. Anyone who says, "I don't mean to interrupt," is lying.

7. "What is that supposed to mean?" is only asked by people who know exactly what that's supposed to mean.

8. If a person doesn't love you enough to say, "Stop being an ass," they're not worth having in your life.

9. If someone tells you you're being an ass.... you're probably being an ass.

10. The person asking, "Can I be brutally honest?" actually only wants to be brutal.

11. "Size doesn't matter" is only said by guys who feel inadequate about their manhood.

12. Anyone offended by the notion that they are "high maintenance" is... VERY high maintenance.

13. Any lesbian, if asked about the lesbian tendency to get all emotionally attached and fall in love and get too close too quick, and then not be able to let go once it's over... will tell you she's "not like all those other lesbians." But I guaran-damn-tee you she is.

14. Anyone who professes to be your friend will not ask you to help them move. You can offer if you want, but if they ask, they just love you for your muscle and/or your truck.

15. Any man, gay or straight, who says, "I'm not like other guys," is delusional.

16. If someone says, "I'm a Republican, but I hate Bush," it doesn't matter. A dollar to a dime says they voted for him-- twice. So you can still rag on them.

17. "It isn't you, it's me" means... it's you.

18. "We have a problem" means... "I have a problem with you."

Too much covering up, double-talk and spin in this world. Fess up. Don't sugar-coat the truth. Say what you mean. And mean what you say.

I wish you well! And I mean that! See ya at the Lip!