A Horoscope For Everyone

It is colder than the proverbial mother-fucker outside.

No lie. Bundle up.

But don't let the weather keep you from coming out tonight. It promises to be a blast. It's Ladies' Night, so don't forget your Lipstick. And as for all of you men out there, don't think you can't come out tonight too. We're just doing a little something special for the grrrrls.

It's 5 AM, I haven't been to bed yet (par for the course), and I could sure use a Lipsmack Burger right about now. I guess I'll have to wait until tonight.

Here's my astrological tip of the week that applies to everyone, regardless of your zodiac sign: The sun entered Pisces two days ago, so get your swim-fins out. Generally, the people in your social circle are repulsed by bad breath, so please Lord, and for God's sake, please, grab a Certs. Mercury's going retrograde next week, so send a whole lot of faxes this week. Mars has entered Gemini, so Gemini is filing a restraining order. Steer clear of the drama. Oh, and take off that silly-ass hat. Best chance at a romantic rendez-vous: Stuckey's, Exit 143 off I-40 West, behind the taffy stand. Lucky number: 7, duh. Most compatible sign: "Slippery When Wet."

Instant poll: Heath Ledger or Jake Gyllenhaal? Comment back by clicking below.

There ya go. Hope it was good for you. Peace out. Have a hella good Monday!