Like A Virgin: A Horoscope for Everyone
On August 23rd, the Sun enters Virgo, which as most of you know is the sign of the Virgin. That means that the big, hot throbbing sexy sun is about to go head-to-head with the sign that rules self-restraint, criticism and control.
So get ready for no nookie.
I mean this, people. Nobody anywhere on the planet will have sex between 1:22 AM on August 23rd and the autumnal equinox at 11:03 PM on September 22nd. That's when Libra, the sign of balance will have the presence of mind to say, "Fuck this. I'm getting some booty."
The good news is, that since nobody is getting any, all that creative and life-changing energy can be harnessed to give summer its fitting end. Tasks long left undone will be tended to, such as cleaning your grout, hosing down your deck, defrosting your freezer and other things. There is lots of sunbathing to be done still, and it is expected to still be hotter than dammit. So strip down and bounce your cute self to the pool, lay out and be fabulous. Get yourself a drink with a little paper umbrella in it. Then, when it's time to bed down, instead of making an advance on that sexy stud or hot chick you've been eying all day, just go home and masturbate. Then call or text them and tell them that you thought of them while rubbing one off.
No, don't, on second thought, that's creepy.
Mercury, the planet that rules communication and is the chief protector of Virgo, enters the sign relatively early in its cycle, on August 27th. But it won't stay long, as it passes into Libra on September 12th. That means you can more easily transmit your virginity by the spoken and written word. These 17 days would be a good time to learn to say, "No, I won't sleep with you because you are so damned ugly," in several languages. Allow us to kick you off:
French: Non, je ne coucherai pas avec toi, car tu es vachement laid.
Spanish: No, no voy a dormir contigo, porque eres tan y tan feo.
German: Nein, ich will nicht mit dir schlafen, weil du aber so häßlich bist.
Portuguese: Não, não vai adormecerme com você, porque você está ficando tão feio.
Realize this is good advice even without the beneficial effects of Mercury in Virgo, because there are ugly people all over the world. And they all want to sleep with you.
Venus crowds into Virgo on September 6th, which means that people you are deeply in love with will refuse to sleep with you.
Other astrological events that are important for the month are rather impactful. A lunar eclipse just before 2 PM on September 7th won't mean jack shit, because it's mid-afternoon and who gives a rat's ass about the moon at that time of day, anyway? But it's the annular solar eclipse that is the big news this month. Set to occur just after sunrise on the last day of Virgo, September 22nd, this will be a beautiful, powerful sight as the generous, life-giving Sun is shadowed by the Moon, that jealous bitch. Witnessing an eclipse first-hand brings wealth and prosperity to the viewer. So you'd better get down to Guyana. 'Coz that's the only place you'll be able to see it. Take some sunscreen. And don't drink the Kool-Aid.
Otherwise, it's relatively uneventful. Saturn in Leo opposes Neptune in Aquarius on August 31st. The only thing that will affect is the number of cashiers working that very busy day at Wal-Mart, down to just three from the normal four they have serving the 986 people who want to check out. Pluto, retrograde since late March, goes direct on September 4th, which means he will finally tell Goofy to go fuck himself. And this year, on September 11th, the fifth anniversary of the World Trade Center attack, observances should be peaceful, since Mars, the planet that governs violence, will have entered reasonable Libra just three days before. That, and all the other planets said they would tie Mars down and ass-rape him if anything happened on September 11th. So remember: Snakes On A Plane, yes. Lube On A Plane, no.
Lucky number: Seven, duh.
Best chance for romance: Rosie Fingers, baby. She's there for you anytime.
Best Original Screenplay: Reds. Oh wait, that was 1981. Never mind.
Have a great month! See you at the Lip!
Peace,
Tom
So get ready for no nookie.
I mean this, people. Nobody anywhere on the planet will have sex between 1:22 AM on August 23rd and the autumnal equinox at 11:03 PM on September 22nd. That's when Libra, the sign of balance will have the presence of mind to say, "Fuck this. I'm getting some booty."
The good news is, that since nobody is getting any, all that creative and life-changing energy can be harnessed to give summer its fitting end. Tasks long left undone will be tended to, such as cleaning your grout, hosing down your deck, defrosting your freezer and other things. There is lots of sunbathing to be done still, and it is expected to still be hotter than dammit. So strip down and bounce your cute self to the pool, lay out and be fabulous. Get yourself a drink with a little paper umbrella in it. Then, when it's time to bed down, instead of making an advance on that sexy stud or hot chick you've been eying all day, just go home and masturbate. Then call or text them and tell them that you thought of them while rubbing one off.
No, don't, on second thought, that's creepy.
Mercury, the planet that rules communication and is the chief protector of Virgo, enters the sign relatively early in its cycle, on August 27th. But it won't stay long, as it passes into Libra on September 12th. That means you can more easily transmit your virginity by the spoken and written word. These 17 days would be a good time to learn to say, "No, I won't sleep with you because you are so damned ugly," in several languages. Allow us to kick you off:
French: Non, je ne coucherai pas avec toi, car tu es vachement laid.
Spanish: No, no voy a dormir contigo, porque eres tan y tan feo.
German: Nein, ich will nicht mit dir schlafen, weil du aber so häßlich bist.
Portuguese: Não, não vai adormecerme com você, porque você está ficando tão feio.
Realize this is good advice even without the beneficial effects of Mercury in Virgo, because there are ugly people all over the world. And they all want to sleep with you.
Venus crowds into Virgo on September 6th, which means that people you are deeply in love with will refuse to sleep with you.
Other astrological events that are important for the month are rather impactful. A lunar eclipse just before 2 PM on September 7th won't mean jack shit, because it's mid-afternoon and who gives a rat's ass about the moon at that time of day, anyway? But it's the annular solar eclipse that is the big news this month. Set to occur just after sunrise on the last day of Virgo, September 22nd, this will be a beautiful, powerful sight as the generous, life-giving Sun is shadowed by the Moon, that jealous bitch. Witnessing an eclipse first-hand brings wealth and prosperity to the viewer. So you'd better get down to Guyana. 'Coz that's the only place you'll be able to see it. Take some sunscreen. And don't drink the Kool-Aid.
Otherwise, it's relatively uneventful. Saturn in Leo opposes Neptune in Aquarius on August 31st. The only thing that will affect is the number of cashiers working that very busy day at Wal-Mart, down to just three from the normal four they have serving the 986 people who want to check out. Pluto, retrograde since late March, goes direct on September 4th, which means he will finally tell Goofy to go fuck himself. And this year, on September 11th, the fifth anniversary of the World Trade Center attack, observances should be peaceful, since Mars, the planet that governs violence, will have entered reasonable Libra just three days before. That, and all the other planets said they would tie Mars down and ass-rape him if anything happened on September 11th. So remember: Snakes On A Plane, yes. Lube On A Plane, no.
Lucky number: Seven, duh.
Best chance for romance: Rosie Fingers, baby. She's there for you anytime.
Best Original Screenplay: Reds. Oh wait, that was 1981. Never mind.
Have a great month! See you at the Lip!
Peace,
Tom
posted by Thomas Horton at 1:41 AM
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