You Did Not Just Hit On My Lover

Let's say you're in the Lipstick Lounge, and you see this real hottie. I mean, the answer to all your dreams. You just know you will regret it forever if you don't try to "hit that."

Said hottie is in the middle of a conversation with another person. For the sake of argument, let's say, a "not-so-hottie." You walk up to the hottie, insert yourself skillfully into their conversation and, pretty soon, by force of your own natural magnetism, the hottie is all about you.

How nice.

Now, let's think about it in these terms. I'd like you, for just a moment, to put yourself in the place of the not-so-hottie. I know that's hard, because you are so damn luscious, but try. Look at the same scenario from their perspective. Imagine these types of inner monologues, never expressed aloud:

"Okay, who is this bitch? Why can't I just have a nice night out with my lovely friend without some meat-market ho coming up and hitting on her?"

Or perhaps:

"Wow... he's hot.... and... yep, of course... he's only interested in my friend. What am I? Chopped liver? Poor little intruder has no idea that although I am not a buff stud like my friend, I am giving, intelligent, witty, hung like a race horse and can suck a golf ball through a garden hose. Oh well, I guess he'll never find out. And now I'm the third wheel on my own damn night out."

Or ever worse:

"What a wonderful night I was having until now. I've been working on getting my friend to warm up to me, and maybe turn it into something more. Tonight I was gonna make my move. And now that's shot to hell because of this interfering horn-dog. Great."

I'm all about survival of the fittest, but how many of us out there would want to be in the not-so-hottie's position? Now, you may be cold enough to say, "Well, fuck them, they should be cute like me." And if you are.... then I'm sad I know you. It's that kind of shallow behavior that wrecks people's confidence, shoots their self-esteem all to hell, and eventually creates drama in tonnage.

If you do feel a little sympathy for the not-so-hottie in our story, then maybe you can adjust your behavior in the future. Here are some tips:

1. If you see someone you like with another person, even if those two are just friends, assume they are a couple, and behave accordingly. Even if one of them is a sex-bomb and the other is a troll. Approach them as a unit. They will make it clear to you whether they are a couple or not.

2. Engage the not-so-hottie friend in conversation. Not only may you find someone else that you like, it will make you look really good to the hottie of your desires. Besides, it's rude to interrupt a social interaction and ruin it for only one of the participants.

As a card-carrying "not-so-hottie," I'd like to tell you all that this has happened to me more times than I care to mention. I have beautiful friends. And we enjoy hanging out. And inevitably some horny, stuck-up prig comes up to them, ignores me completely, and hits mercilessly on my friend. It exasperates me, because I find it so disrespectful. How do you know he's not going home with me? How do you know I'm not seeing her? Not-so-hotties need love (and get love) too.

So stop being such a shallow bitch and let me have fun with my pretty friends. Boys and girls. Next time it happens, I'm just gonna call you on it. Read you like the instructions on a box of cake mix. For real... just don't treat me like I don't exist just because you don't want to get into my pants.

Peace, baby.

Tom