Why So Crabby?: A Horoscope for Everyone
The sun has crossed into Cancer, ending the weirdness of schizo Gemini. Not that this is going to be any better.
Cancer rules motherhood, family, the home, homosexuals, beer and crowded places. So, clearly, is there any better place to be than the Lipstick Lounge this month? Governed by the moon, there will be a lot of lunatics out there this month, but what else is new?
For those of you who worry about Cancer because of disease, know that you can't catch it: you have to be born that way.
Cancer is a maternal sign, so we all will show more independence for the next thirty days. In fact, you’re gonna do what you want anyway, so why are you reading this looking for advice? On the 30th of June, go to the nearest public park, dig a little trough, and begin planting a municipal vegetable garden. No, it’s not the season for planting, but when the cops come to arrest you, you’ll have a really interesting story to tell your friends next month when you will be bored out of your skull.
Venus enters Gemini without a search warrant tomorrow, so the illegal drugs that will be found there will not be able to be entered into evidence. You got lucky this time. Which is surprising since Jupiter has been holed up in Scorpio since October, and retrograde since March. The good news is, the crappy losing streak will end July 6th when Big Daddy Jupiter goes direct. Buy a lottery ticket, but make sure to stick to integers between 1 and 50.
On the 28th, Mercury enters Leo for a fantastic week of open communication, flirting and dirty talk until it all comes crashing down on the 4th of July. Yep, bitch is going retrograde. Hope you don't have to fax anything, and your MySpace layout is gonna go haywire. Expect Tom (not me, the MySpace geek) to come crashing into your page over and over until the retrograde period ends on July 28. Quick-travelling Mercury enters Cancer itself on July 10, so the last 18 days of the retrograde period will be particularly pissy.
On the other hand, the outer planets (Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto) are all on strike, and will have no effect on you at all.
One bit of advice: It’s time to forgive and let go. Yes, Disney’s Hunchback of Notre Dame with the happy ending was morally reprehensible, but who did it hurt? Jesus, it's been 10 years. Move on.
On the 16th, expand your eastern horizons by enrolling in a yoga class, wearing a bindi, getting henna hand tattoos or something else suitably Eastern. No, ordering from L.L. Bean doesn’t count.
Lucky number: seven, duh. Color for the month: hot hot hot pink. Best chance for romance: Hermitage Cafe, 4 AM, July 7th, with the waitress.
Love ya! Mean it! See ya at the Lip!
Tom
Cancer rules motherhood, family, the home, homosexuals, beer and crowded places. So, clearly, is there any better place to be than the Lipstick Lounge this month? Governed by the moon, there will be a lot of lunatics out there this month, but what else is new?
For those of you who worry about Cancer because of disease, know that you can't catch it: you have to be born that way.
Cancer is a maternal sign, so we all will show more independence for the next thirty days. In fact, you’re gonna do what you want anyway, so why are you reading this looking for advice? On the 30th of June, go to the nearest public park, dig a little trough, and begin planting a municipal vegetable garden. No, it’s not the season for planting, but when the cops come to arrest you, you’ll have a really interesting story to tell your friends next month when you will be bored out of your skull.
Venus enters Gemini without a search warrant tomorrow, so the illegal drugs that will be found there will not be able to be entered into evidence. You got lucky this time. Which is surprising since Jupiter has been holed up in Scorpio since October, and retrograde since March. The good news is, the crappy losing streak will end July 6th when Big Daddy Jupiter goes direct. Buy a lottery ticket, but make sure to stick to integers between 1 and 50.
On the 28th, Mercury enters Leo for a fantastic week of open communication, flirting and dirty talk until it all comes crashing down on the 4th of July. Yep, bitch is going retrograde. Hope you don't have to fax anything, and your MySpace layout is gonna go haywire. Expect Tom (not me, the MySpace geek) to come crashing into your page over and over until the retrograde period ends on July 28. Quick-travelling Mercury enters Cancer itself on July 10, so the last 18 days of the retrograde period will be particularly pissy.
On the other hand, the outer planets (Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto) are all on strike, and will have no effect on you at all.
One bit of advice: It’s time to forgive and let go. Yes, Disney’s Hunchback of Notre Dame with the happy ending was morally reprehensible, but who did it hurt? Jesus, it's been 10 years. Move on.
On the 16th, expand your eastern horizons by enrolling in a yoga class, wearing a bindi, getting henna hand tattoos or something else suitably Eastern. No, ordering from L.L. Bean doesn’t count.
Lucky number: seven, duh. Color for the month: hot hot hot pink. Best chance for romance: Hermitage Cafe, 4 AM, July 7th, with the waitress.
Love ya! Mean it! See ya at the Lip!
Tom
posted by Thomas Horton at 3:58 PM
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