Dull Roar: A Horoscope for Everyone
Well, last night the Sun sashayed into Leo, which means all you prom kings and homecoming queens out there are doubly blessed. Leo is the headliner of the zodiac show, and those born under this sign are natural leaders who will make sure all the rest of us know: it's your world, we're just living in it. The red carpet is out for you, so walk it. Petty royalty never looked so good.
Leo is ruled by the Sun, our very own star, and its radiant heat natually means it will be hotter than hell for the next 30 days. It's July and August, you dizzy bitch, what do you expect? Leo's going to be a crowded constellation toward the end of the zodiac month, as Mercury enters Leo on August 11th with Venus right on its tail just 18 hours later. Thankfully, retrograde Mercury goes direct on July 28th, so there's less than a week of this mad miscommunication left.
Leo is the sign that rules sex and creativity, and on top of it all, warlike Mars entered docile Virgo yesterday. All this to say that there's now a 78.4% chance you're finally gonna get laid this month. Which is good, because all that whining about your needs not being met is beginning to get on my nerves.
Okay, enough. The holidays were very “woo-hoo!” but it’s time to come down off that New Year’s Eve drunk. People are starting to talk. Sometime between the 4th and the 13th, prank-call that old high-school teacher you hated.
Best thing to cut out of your diet altogether: bacon. Oh, yeah, that might happen.
Second best thing: yak’s milk.
Lucky number: seven, duh.
Best chance for romance: at the Piggly Wiggly on Lamar Avenue in Memphis on the 9th, sometime mid-morning. Road trip!
Have a great month, everyone!
Leo is ruled by the Sun, our very own star, and its radiant heat natually means it will be hotter than hell for the next 30 days. It's July and August, you dizzy bitch, what do you expect? Leo's going to be a crowded constellation toward the end of the zodiac month, as Mercury enters Leo on August 11th with Venus right on its tail just 18 hours later. Thankfully, retrograde Mercury goes direct on July 28th, so there's less than a week of this mad miscommunication left.
Leo is the sign that rules sex and creativity, and on top of it all, warlike Mars entered docile Virgo yesterday. All this to say that there's now a 78.4% chance you're finally gonna get laid this month. Which is good, because all that whining about your needs not being met is beginning to get on my nerves.
Okay, enough. The holidays were very “woo-hoo!” but it’s time to come down off that New Year’s Eve drunk. People are starting to talk. Sometime between the 4th and the 13th, prank-call that old high-school teacher you hated.
Best thing to cut out of your diet altogether: bacon. Oh, yeah, that might happen.
Second best thing: yak’s milk.
Lucky number: seven, duh.
Best chance for romance: at the Piggly Wiggly on Lamar Avenue in Memphis on the 9th, sometime mid-morning. Road trip!
Have a great month, everyone!
posted by Thomas Horton at 2:14 AM
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