Evil Twins: A Horoscope For Everyone, and Self-Indulgent Venting and Raging For Me
Well, hell.
The sun crossed into Gemini, what, like, a week ago? Well, since Geminis are notoriously tardy, it only seems fitting that this universal horoscope be a little late. Note to the straight ladies out there: if you're a little late, girl, see a gynecologist. 'Coz you're gonna have twins.
Evil twins.
I mean it.
Gemini is the sign that rules logic and communication. So it was only logical last week that my own Gemini communicated to me that she is leaving my ass. It's been in the works for a while, but she's pulling the plug on our nearly 17-year relationship. And in typical Gemini fashion, I can't hate her. Hell, I can't even blame her. She, being a logical sort, has laid out that it will be quite painful, but I will survive. Isn't that what they tell amputees?
Okay, so on with the horoscope: when the weather's good, your mood will be restless. That's due to an overactive Mercury spinning through Gemini, the sign it rules, like a drag queen at a sequin sale. Stay cool and dry or you will get pissy.
The Moon is smack in the middle of Cancer, the sign it rules, right now, which makes us all emotional messes. Thanks, I needed that.
Venus is entering Taurus, the sign it rules as well (the planets can sometimes be bossy bitches). It's conducting an illegal search and seizure of the Pleiades. Taurus has filed an injunction, claiming that its Fourth Amendment Rights are being violated. Baby, that's not all that's being violated, trust me.
Mars is going to cross into Leo in the next week or so, and the warlike influences of the Red Planet will show up in all aspects of Leo's domain of sex and creativity. That mean's you're gonna fight with the person you're a-doin' it with. Or maybe divorce them.
On June 1st, Marilyn Monroe would have been 80, Alanis Morissette turns 32, and my future ex-wife will be 39. Happy birthday, honey! Guess what I got you? A lawyer!
Elsewhere in the Zodiac, it's a hodgepodge of crap, flim-flam and general monkeyshines. Jupiter, which governs luck, is retrograde (or negative) in Scorpio, the sign that governs death. So whatever trouble you may be in, know that you are not going to be lucky enough to escape it by passing on to the Great Beyond.
Bitter, party of one, your table is ready.
Good things will happen while the Sun is in Gemini. Marshall's is having a sale. American Idol is finally frickin' over. There's poker and $5 martinis at the Lip every Wednesday. That's one more reason to go on living right there.
So know, that if you are in a time of trial right now, you can blame the Sun careening through Gemini, heating everything up as summer approaches. It could be worse. Next month, you'll have Cancer. To contend with, I mean, the sign, not the disease.
Anyhow, here's the junk you really want to know. Lucky number: seven, duh. Things to do: control the pet population and have your animal spayed or neutered. Things not to do: whine, everybody hates that shit. Best chance for romance: with Side Show Bennie in the towel and face-cloth aisle at the Target in Hickory Hollow on June 12th, just before they close.
Don't say I didn't warn you: it's gonna be a tough month for all of us. But we will get through it, and we'll feel much better once it's all over.
Peace and love to you all,
Tom
The sun crossed into Gemini, what, like, a week ago? Well, since Geminis are notoriously tardy, it only seems fitting that this universal horoscope be a little late. Note to the straight ladies out there: if you're a little late, girl, see a gynecologist. 'Coz you're gonna have twins.
Evil twins.
I mean it.
Gemini is the sign that rules logic and communication. So it was only logical last week that my own Gemini communicated to me that she is leaving my ass. It's been in the works for a while, but she's pulling the plug on our nearly 17-year relationship. And in typical Gemini fashion, I can't hate her. Hell, I can't even blame her. She, being a logical sort, has laid out that it will be quite painful, but I will survive. Isn't that what they tell amputees?
Okay, so on with the horoscope: when the weather's good, your mood will be restless. That's due to an overactive Mercury spinning through Gemini, the sign it rules, like a drag queen at a sequin sale. Stay cool and dry or you will get pissy.
The Moon is smack in the middle of Cancer, the sign it rules, right now, which makes us all emotional messes. Thanks, I needed that.
Venus is entering Taurus, the sign it rules as well (the planets can sometimes be bossy bitches). It's conducting an illegal search and seizure of the Pleiades. Taurus has filed an injunction, claiming that its Fourth Amendment Rights are being violated. Baby, that's not all that's being violated, trust me.
Mars is going to cross into Leo in the next week or so, and the warlike influences of the Red Planet will show up in all aspects of Leo's domain of sex and creativity. That mean's you're gonna fight with the person you're a-doin' it with. Or maybe divorce them.
On June 1st, Marilyn Monroe would have been 80, Alanis Morissette turns 32, and my future ex-wife will be 39. Happy birthday, honey! Guess what I got you? A lawyer!
Elsewhere in the Zodiac, it's a hodgepodge of crap, flim-flam and general monkeyshines. Jupiter, which governs luck, is retrograde (or negative) in Scorpio, the sign that governs death. So whatever trouble you may be in, know that you are not going to be lucky enough to escape it by passing on to the Great Beyond.
Bitter, party of one, your table is ready.
Good things will happen while the Sun is in Gemini. Marshall's is having a sale. American Idol is finally frickin' over. There's poker and $5 martinis at the Lip every Wednesday. That's one more reason to go on living right there.
So know, that if you are in a time of trial right now, you can blame the Sun careening through Gemini, heating everything up as summer approaches. It could be worse. Next month, you'll have Cancer. To contend with, I mean, the sign, not the disease.
Anyhow, here's the junk you really want to know. Lucky number: seven, duh. Things to do: control the pet population and have your animal spayed or neutered. Things not to do: whine, everybody hates that shit. Best chance for romance: with Side Show Bennie in the towel and face-cloth aisle at the Target in Hickory Hollow on June 12th, just before they close.
Don't say I didn't warn you: it's gonna be a tough month for all of us. But we will get through it, and we'll feel much better once it's all over.
Peace and love to you all,
Tom
posted by Thomas Horton at 3:21 AM
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