Spring Has Sprung: A Horoscope for Everyone
Coinciding with the vernal equinox, the Sun passed into Aries yesterday, giving us the start of a new astrological year. Aries is the sign that rules the self, so everything you do this month should be all about you. Start by buying yourself dinner in a nice restaurant. Talk to yourself, and be really honest, but complimentary. Then, go to a movie alone, preferably something to put you in the mood. Finally, return to your abode for some really indulgent masturbation. Congratulations, you're your own best friend-- I prefer this term to "complete loser."
Mercury's still in retrograde for four more days, so communicating may be difficult, or things you say may be misunderstood. Take my advice: edh guel nur ti useraf bai plozuer, nas weshel brigh queve nasce kileter fi niscal tace. That's always worked for me, but if it doesn't, stick your hands down someone's pants.
Jupiter's in retrograde too, so don't rely on your luck to get you out of tight situations. Use your wit, your good looks, your charms, and other tools at your disposal. If that doesn't work, stick your hands down someone's pants. And as if Jupiter's screwed-up orbit weren't bad enough, dark and mysterious Pluto goes retrograde on the 29th, and won't be direct again until September. So needless to say, Mickey, Donald and Goofy will be amply tired of his shit come autumn. Finally, one mixed blessing: Saturn comes out of retrograde on April 5 for the first time since November, which means somebody should probably fumigate up in there.
Also on April 5, Venus enters Pisces. Pisces usually enters Venus, but Venus is feeling froggy this month. That means good things for sex. Stick your hands down someone's pants.
Daylight savings time hits us April 2, which means we lose an hour that we won't get back until October. By then, it will be all crusty and smelly and we won't want it back anyway. Damn it.
So what does all this star-babble mean to you? A few things are revealed by charting the astral bodies. First, your mom really does love you. She's just disappointed in a certain choice you've made. Maybe that tragic haircut, but who am I to say?
Financially, things have been tight lately, but money should start flowing in once you find a buyer for your kidney on eBay.
When you get the check, go buy an iPod. Not a knock-off, or one of those stupid chewing-gum ones either, but a real iPod. Download into it the following music, which all appeals to the pervasive sense of self governed by Aries: "I've Never Been to Me" by Charlene, "Vacation from Myself" by Jason Eklund, and "Dancing With Myself" by Billy Idol. Also, as soon as you are able, stick your hands down someone's pants.
On the health front, tequila is not the answer. "Tequila?" is the question. "Yes please!" is the answer. That pain in your left leg is not "restless leg syndrome," so stop worrying about it. But you should probably get tested for ebola.
Your lucky number: seven, duh! Best chance for romance: the bus station in Birmingham, Alabama, behind the lockers. You should have a two-hour window between 4 and 6 AM on April 8th. Don't wear panties.
It's Tuesday, come out to the LIp, let's have some fun. And remember, it's important to make friends. Stick your hands down someone's pants.
Peace and love,
Tom
Mercury's still in retrograde for four more days, so communicating may be difficult, or things you say may be misunderstood. Take my advice: edh guel nur ti useraf bai plozuer, nas weshel brigh queve nasce kileter fi niscal tace. That's always worked for me, but if it doesn't, stick your hands down someone's pants.
Jupiter's in retrograde too, so don't rely on your luck to get you out of tight situations. Use your wit, your good looks, your charms, and other tools at your disposal. If that doesn't work, stick your hands down someone's pants. And as if Jupiter's screwed-up orbit weren't bad enough, dark and mysterious Pluto goes retrograde on the 29th, and won't be direct again until September. So needless to say, Mickey, Donald and Goofy will be amply tired of his shit come autumn. Finally, one mixed blessing: Saturn comes out of retrograde on April 5 for the first time since November, which means somebody should probably fumigate up in there.
Also on April 5, Venus enters Pisces. Pisces usually enters Venus, but Venus is feeling froggy this month. That means good things for sex. Stick your hands down someone's pants.
Daylight savings time hits us April 2, which means we lose an hour that we won't get back until October. By then, it will be all crusty and smelly and we won't want it back anyway. Damn it.
So what does all this star-babble mean to you? A few things are revealed by charting the astral bodies. First, your mom really does love you. She's just disappointed in a certain choice you've made. Maybe that tragic haircut, but who am I to say?
Financially, things have been tight lately, but money should start flowing in once you find a buyer for your kidney on eBay.
When you get the check, go buy an iPod. Not a knock-off, or one of those stupid chewing-gum ones either, but a real iPod. Download into it the following music, which all appeals to the pervasive sense of self governed by Aries: "I've Never Been to Me" by Charlene, "Vacation from Myself" by Jason Eklund, and "Dancing With Myself" by Billy Idol. Also, as soon as you are able, stick your hands down someone's pants.
On the health front, tequila is not the answer. "Tequila?" is the question. "Yes please!" is the answer. That pain in your left leg is not "restless leg syndrome," so stop worrying about it. But you should probably get tested for ebola.
Your lucky number: seven, duh! Best chance for romance: the bus station in Birmingham, Alabama, behind the lockers. You should have a two-hour window between 4 and 6 AM on April 8th. Don't wear panties.
It's Tuesday, come out to the LIp, let's have some fun. And remember, it's important to make friends. Stick your hands down someone's pants.
Peace and love,
Tom
posted by Thomas Horton at 10:25 AM
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