Full of Bull: A Horoscope for Everyone
Hi kids! The Sun crossed into Taurus today, which means MY BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP THIS WEEKEND. For those of you who haven't heard, I will be forty this Saturday, and I am, natch, celebrating with a karaoke party at the Lip. Debra will be hosting, I will be drunk off my ass, and if you sing karaoke, I might just jump up on stage with you, 'coz I'm a whore like that. You are personally invited, as are all your friends, your whole fam-damily, your greasy-ass granny, all your ancestors and your whole generation. And everyone else I love.
Since Taurus is the sign that rules materialism, you should immediately go out and buy yourself something nice. And not another one of those damn Abercrombie T-shirts (get a clue, clone), I mean something unusual. Taurus is a home-oriented sign, so here are my top three ideas: 1) a set of three hand-carved, custom-painted returning boomerangs for use as a lovely wall display, or for killing those pesky kangaroos; 2) a set of heart-shaped measuring spoons for putting a little lovin' in the oven and reminding your significant other of your heart-shaped ass; or 3) a divine little desk clock shaped like a Lhasa Apso to display the time in your home. Woof!
Astrologically, Taurus is the sign that governs the arts, so if you haven't landed your recording contract yet, this is probably the month it will happen. One thing though: you will have to modify your image, cowtow to popular tastes, dumb down your message, and betray your artistic integrity to reach a larger audience. Don't think of it as selling out, just think of it as selling, and be glad you're getting a check.
Brainy Mercury moves into Taurus right behind the Sun on May 5th, which means that all of a sudden, for the first time in a while, you'll be able to walk and chew gum at the same time. You go, girl!
Venus, the planet of lurve, moves into Aries, the sign of self and strife, on May 3rd, so kiss your love life goodbye. Make sure you get a lot of emotional bonding in before that date, since after that, all you'll have time for is meaningless sex. After the 3rd, your best chance for a romantic encounter is a tossup between a quickie in the self-help aisle at Borders on West End on May 14th between 7pm and closing time or up against the dumpster behind the Family Wash with a creepy homeless woman at 3:42 AM on May 16th. Until the 3rd, you should be good to go right in your own bedroom.
The other planets in the Zodiac are clicking along with not much happening, so you'll probably get bored fast. Try Sudoku to pass the time.
One last piece of advice, and it's only because I care: You really do have enough Abercrombie. I swear to God. Give it a damn rest.
Enjoy yourself! It's a weekend at the Lip. Ronda and Jonda are on a week's sabatical (Taurus fuctup their throats, he's a bitch like that), so Two Chix and a Drum are here Friday. Karaoke for my birthday Saturday. Lindsey Hinkle and Treva Bloomquist on Sunday.
I'll see you in the Lounge. Peace.
Tom
Since Taurus is the sign that rules materialism, you should immediately go out and buy yourself something nice. And not another one of those damn Abercrombie T-shirts (get a clue, clone), I mean something unusual. Taurus is a home-oriented sign, so here are my top three ideas: 1) a set of three hand-carved, custom-painted returning boomerangs for use as a lovely wall display, or for killing those pesky kangaroos; 2) a set of heart-shaped measuring spoons for putting a little lovin' in the oven and reminding your significant other of your heart-shaped ass; or 3) a divine little desk clock shaped like a Lhasa Apso to display the time in your home. Woof!
Astrologically, Taurus is the sign that governs the arts, so if you haven't landed your recording contract yet, this is probably the month it will happen. One thing though: you will have to modify your image, cowtow to popular tastes, dumb down your message, and betray your artistic integrity to reach a larger audience. Don't think of it as selling out, just think of it as selling, and be glad you're getting a check.
Brainy Mercury moves into Taurus right behind the Sun on May 5th, which means that all of a sudden, for the first time in a while, you'll be able to walk and chew gum at the same time. You go, girl!
Venus, the planet of lurve, moves into Aries, the sign of self and strife, on May 3rd, so kiss your love life goodbye. Make sure you get a lot of emotional bonding in before that date, since after that, all you'll have time for is meaningless sex. After the 3rd, your best chance for a romantic encounter is a tossup between a quickie in the self-help aisle at Borders on West End on May 14th between 7pm and closing time or up against the dumpster behind the Family Wash with a creepy homeless woman at 3:42 AM on May 16th. Until the 3rd, you should be good to go right in your own bedroom.
The other planets in the Zodiac are clicking along with not much happening, so you'll probably get bored fast. Try Sudoku to pass the time.
One last piece of advice, and it's only because I care: You really do have enough Abercrombie. I swear to God. Give it a damn rest.
Enjoy yourself! It's a weekend at the Lip. Ronda and Jonda are on a week's sabatical (Taurus fuctup their throats, he's a bitch like that), so Two Chix and a Drum are here Friday. Karaoke for my birthday Saturday. Lindsey Hinkle and Treva Bloomquist on Sunday.
I'll see you in the Lounge. Peace.
Tom
posted by Thomas Horton at 4:02 PM
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